a bit of an explanation i guess.

so, my friend and her husband moved a couple miles away from me last november. she is the sister of my closer friend, but we hung out, too, in a decent-sized group of friends. we hung out a little after they moved down here, but not much. when her sister came down to stay with them for a week, we went over there and had a lot of fun and the group got together and it was nice. we always offered to hang out later after we left, told them we usually are free on the weekends and of course, i am always free. she made plans to go walking with me during the week. that never happened. after her sister left, we haven’t heard anything from them. it’s been almost 4 months now. today i found out they’re having a big birthday bash at this arcade/restaurant place for her, from someone who posted on her facebook. i hadn’t heard anything from anyone in the group about this. and the person who posted on her facebook? she came all the way from fucking nebraska to come to this little bash. and they don’t even like her that much. i have constantly heard them make fun of her and seen them exclude her when we all went camping together. and SHE was invited. so, they must not want ANYTHING to do with us if we don’t even hear about it. and i’m devastated. i feel fucking gutted. i feel worthless. what did we do that that was so fucking horrible? and the only thing i can possibly think of that sets me and tyler apart from pretty much everyone in the group is that we’re atheists & democrats. and if that is really the reason why they don’t want to be around us then i can’t even begin to explain how fucking mad and upset that makes me. and i start to think about what they say about ME when they’re all together gossiping and making fun of people. and it hurts. because i know the things people say about me. fat, disgusting, hairy, lazy, crazy, etc. coupled with the fact that i lost my closest friend of almost 5 years because he couldn’t handle my shit anymore (don’t get me wrong i have put him through some horrible shit so it’s not entirely unjustified) and refuses to talk to me is really, really, wearing me thin and i feel like i’m just not meant to exist. like honestly, nobody wants to fucking bother with me, it’s ridiculous. everyone said i was being paranoid and it was my bpd. 

i’m sorry if i don’t reply or respond to im’s or messages. i feel very cut off from everyone and just honestly don’t want to be a bother and refuse to talk to people for a while. i don’t want to get attached again only to be rejected because they can’t deal with who i am. i can’t handle this agonizing pain anymore. 

i think all i can do right now is just work on me. get on meds, get rid of this pain and just try to put myself back together as best as i can. even if all i have is frayed thread and a bent needle.