It kills me not to know this but I’ve all but just forgotten
what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
as the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
but seldom do these words ring true when I’m constantly failing you
like walls that we just can’t break through until we disappear
so tell me now

if this ain’t love then how do we get out?
because I don’t know
that’s when she said I don’t hate you boy
I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save
that’s when I told her I love you girl
but I’m not the answer to the questions that you still have

but the day pressed on like crushing weights 
for no man does it ever wait
like memories of dying days
that deafen us like hurricanes
bathed in flames we held the brand
uncurled the fingers in your hand
pressed into the flesh like sand
now do you understand?
so tell me now

if this ain’t love then how do we get out?
because I don’t know
that’ s when she said I don’t hate you boy
I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save
that’s when I told her I love you girl
but I’m not the answer to the questions that you still have

one thousand miles away
there’s nothing left to say
but so much left that I don’t know
we never had a choice
this world is too much noise
it takes me under
it takes me under once again

I don’t hate you
I don’t hate you
so tell me now
if this ain’t love then how do we get out?
because I don’t know

that’s when she said I don’t hate you boy
I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save
that’s when I told her I love you girl
but I’m not the answer to the questions that you still have
I don’t hate you
I don’t hate you, no

the late nights when everything is quiet, calm, still; 
when eyes are heavy & hearts are low, that is when you creep into my thoughts like a vine —
ensnaring me, asphyxiating me with all the words you used to say. 
my heart hurts in ways i cannot even begin to fathom or comprehend, 
any time i would attempt it, my words would falter, my eyes sting with tears & i lose myself once more.

& even now, words seem to fail me. 
my body wishes nothing more than to purge this sickness within, 
but the infallible overtone of ‘why? why? why?’ ring true in my ears. 
i can scream & whimper, decry life as i know it - and for what purpose? to fall upon deaf ears. 
i am reminded of a quote from a favourite graphic novel:

Sometimes… you can cry until there is nothing wet in you. 
You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. 
You can pray, all you want, to whatever god you think will listen. 
And, still, it makes, no difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. 
And you know that if it ever did relent… it would not be because it cared.
—Nny

i try desperately to cling to life — the awe i find in nature and her inhabitants, in the universe around me,
in the swell and crescendo of the cello as it plays sweetly in my ear… 
the joy that fills me as i save another animal from an untimely demise, 
the laughter that surrounds a group of friends, 
in the simple taste of a succulent chocolate melting upon my tongue, 
the way my eyes alight upon a page of a book… 

but more often than not i find myself succumbing to pain & misery that fills my every waking thought,
the self-loathing that sears through me like acid. 
how i try to claw my way out of my own personal hell every day just to be on the same level as ordinary people,
only to fall back down. 
the constant onslaught of:
‘you are nothing but a burden’, 
‘you are a pathetic waste of space’, 
‘you are a hideous monster’, 
‘why do you even bother?’ 
playing in the back of my head like a broken record. 
it feels as though the more i try to fix myself, the i more i crack & break under the pressure. 
i wish for nothing more than to be whole but i fear it was never meant to be.

i just want some peace of mind.

every time you enter my thoughts it’s like poisoned dagger through the heart — or possibly in the back; a betrayal of the worst kind. a lover’s poison, seeping deep into the veins to collect in the heart [breaking it, leaving cracks and slivers along it’s delicate walls] — causing one’s heart to race, chest to tighten, leaving you short of breath as hot tears sting your eyes. and all you feel is this deep, unending longing and misery, a pain so raw you can do nothing but whimper and bow to it’s whims; a crumpled heap on the floor as the symptoms of your broken heart consume you.

there is no cure.

only time.

i told him goodbye for good this time. i blocked/deleted/removed him from my life. he had the audacity to tell me that he just wanted to let me know that he was the one that was civil. after he lashed out at me and told me that i shouldn’t push him away because i had no other friends who would put up with me/listen to me after i told him i wanted to kill myself.

i told him that i tried to slit my wrists and that i’m glad i didn’t come to HIM for advice (didn’t do it, just cut up my arms pretty badly instead), he says ‘sweet deal, dude’. and that he was on that ‘same train last week’ and then says goodbye. 

i feel like some hollowed out shell, all of my insides, everything ripped out and splattered on the floor in front of me and stuffed in their place is nothing but agony and regret and the shattered shards of my heart digging into every nook and cranny. i loved him for six fucking years. SIX. i gave him everything, i ruined my marriage (it was in shambles anyway, but it wouldn’t have been as bad if i hadn’t met him), he gave me the courage to seek a better life for myself, he showed me that i could feel something like this, such overwhelming things, and for WHAT?

i would rather be a deadened, empty shell shuffling around than to have to deal with this. i just want to fucking die. i know that is pathetic and ridiculous and i know that i should know better but right now all i can think of is wanting to die. i barely was holding on to life as it was when we were ‘talking’, and still planning on having some sort of relationship. i am so angry and frightened and hurt but overall it’s just this crushing wave of defeat. of overwhelming nothingness.

i can’t stop crying.

i just want to not hurt anymore.

my heart hurts so bad. what the fuck is wrong with me? i want to hate you i want to love you i want you to want me i want you to hate me so can i just let go. i just want to go. instead we’re in this constant turmoil of bitter feuding, barely spoken words, strained smiles and empty promises. why am i still here? why, after everything that we’ve done, can i not just see what fucking horrible people we are to each other? after every acid dripped word that gets spewed at each other, and the half-heaerted apologies, and the passionate make-ups, which, even now, grow to nothing but muttered compliance. even after every broken down “i can’t do this anymore”, we come back every time. 

and i don’t know how to stop it. i can’t grasp reality, i can’t keep a hold of rationality.  i have this unending, burning feeling in my chest for you and it will not stop. what will it take? will it take meeting in real life, and having you look down upon me in disgust? will it take you raising your voice, or your fist? will i have to go that far to realize what a fucking mess i’m in? 

the funny thing is, i’m so upset right now because you aren’t speaking to me. i should think that this would be a good thing, a step in the right direction, and yet here i am - fucking devastated that you would do this to me; when i should be furious, i should be done with you for what you’re doing to me. and yet i just want you to talk to me. what rational person would want that after you treated me so badly when i told you i was on the verge of committing suicide? maybe i just want you to treat me so badly that i’ll actually go through with it. show me your true colours. show me that one of the only reason i’m even here on this godforsaken earth is nothing but a monster disguised as a human being. 

please, why can’t i stop loving you? honestly, i don’t even feel right calling it ‘love’ anymore. after everything that we do to each other, it feels sick and wrong when i spit out the words. i don’t know what this is. is it obsession? desperation? infatuation?

i just don’t want to feel anymore. please make it stop.

august spent
your basement apartment
i fell thought your floor
cradle and all
i fell through your floor
and i can’t spill
through your fists
until my hands are solid white
my lungs are buckled tight together
my sliding drawl is like a cannonball
i’ll slur myself to sleep 
outside your door

there’s a ghost
way up the northeast coast 
and it’ll break your heart
harder than i could ever
and that ghost claws at my arms
it makes me do wrong
it makes me do wrong
and it pushes you down
and rattles the walls 
and it’s sorry
it’s sorry
it’s sorry
so even though it’s cold
and it breaks apart your bones
it’s floating urgently outside your door

when you spoke
when you speak 
broken on your knees
i’m a joke
i’m asleep
please please please
please please

i’ll be on my feet if you want me 
i’ll be on my feet if you need
i’ll be on my feet if you want me to be

every time i come across that saying ‘you can’t love anyone until you love yourself’ it makes me really uncomfortable. like, i hate myself to the nth degree, but i love, fiercely, and have loved before. maybe it’s just a stupid saying but it just makes me wonder. are all these feelings not real love? are they a desperate attempt to feel something, anything, because i so desperately want to be wanted and loved? do i just search out for that one person, that will truly fill this gaping hole inside of me that is filled with hate, guilt, shame, remorse, disgust? replace those things with love and acceptance and comfort and contentment? will i always, always, always be unhappy with everyone because i am unhappy with myself? fuck.