These wars of words are pointless - nothing gets accomplished, no.
To see you bent and broken, 
You’d think I’d like it but I don’t,
It disgusts me that I could be so petty and weak.

Yeah, you’re sorry.
Everyone’s always so sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought I heard you say, 
“To lose is not okay, win is the only way”?
Guess what I did with my day?
Well, I failed.

Despite my reservations, I think it’s time that we met.
And all these complications, they make me something I’m not.

You’re kitten as a cat.
I know where it’s at,
This is where it’s at.
Yeah, this is where it’s at,

And yeah, you’re sorry.
Everyone’s always so sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought I saw you stray but I love you anyway.
And I’d like us to be forever.
That’s what I tried to say
But it gets stuck in my throat and words are missing.

Stuck in my throat,
Now that I know it could only be you,
I try to speak out but the words are missing.
Words are missing.

gage is on his way back home from pixfest. he’s only like hours away from me right now. he asked the driver/group if they could drive through okc so he could come see me for a little bit. (honestly if they had gone the shortest distance… which would make sense since they’re really low on money, they would have driven right through okc anyway) but they were like NO WE’RE GOING TO DRIVE DOWN THROUGH TEXAS FUCK YOU. and i’m just really really upset because i could have seen him in like a couple hours. after almost 5 years of knowing each other and being so close. i’m so upset i don’t even know what to do with myself. he said he just wanted to be able to hold me in person and tell me he loved me. i started crying. i just wanted that so bad.

i’m sick of of my so-called friends not being friends at all. i’m sick of losing the people that really matter to me because of my illnesses. i’m sick of all this passive-aggressive bullshit. i am so sick of being alone and surrounded by people who don’t care about me. i am so sick of just being lonely. the people around me are dropping like flies and i have no one to blame but myself. and i don’t know how i’m going to move on, knowing that. knowing that most people, rightfully so, cannot deal with me, because i’m just an unstable monster. and it makes me so fucking angry. that i have to work so hard to do what “normal” people do, and have to deal with them looking down at me and scowling and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me? the friends in my life who have to deal with me pulling away and tugging on their sleeves and treating them like shit and then expecting them to forgive me over and over again until they just can’t deal with me and turn their backs. the husband who has to put up with my shit, year after year, my set backs, my whims, taking care of me like a child and yelling at me because i can’t even remember to do the fucking laundry. who gets frustrated with me and wonders, when am i going to be normal? when am i going to start pulling my own weight because he’s so tired of me wasting all of his money and just sitting on my fat fucking ass. how much money does he have to spend on me with therapists and medication before i will just be NORMAL.

and i’m so tired and i haven’t even done anything, i’m so broken and i just wish i were dead. 

fuckyeahreactions:

this is me watching brotherhood right now

i am really just sad and frustrated lately. i hate myself more with each passing day, and i’ve begun to have nightmares of my body getting worse, or dreaming about my psycho exboyfriends, and i just want it to fucking go away. i’d really like to just crawl into a hole and die sleep for a long time.